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More New Rules – And finally, New Rule: Since all Republican voters really want in a candidate is a devout Christian who, one, doesn’t know shit from Shinola, and, two, is proud of that, and, three, isn’t named “Mitt” they should just go ahead and nominate Tim Tebow. That’s right. Take Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow, the fan-favorite Christian who is in over his head on the football field, and put him somewhere where fan-favorite Christians who are in over their head are welcome: the Republican presidential race. Now, if you haven’t heard of Tim Tebow, he’s the college quarterback-slash-religious nut the Broncos signed last year despite his having one tiny problem: he throws like a girl. I’m sorry, I take that back. Lots of girls throw. Naomi Campbell has a more impressive completion rate with cell phones. But, that doesn’t matter to the faithful, because Tim Tebow is so cuckoo for Christianity that he used to write Bible verses in the charcoal under his eyes. Creepy to some, but for redneck America, they couldn’t love this guy more if he was sculpted out of bacon. The words “man crush” don’t begin to describe it. It is full-on gay. It’s like the way “Project Runway” contestants talk about chiffon. But, last Sunday, Tim learned that although Jesus saves, he can’t read NFL defenses, and he’s terrible at throwing into coverage. A Yahoo Sports article on Tebow’s performance used words like “atrocious,” “terrible,” “not even close to ready,” and “Oh, my
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